Beauty and The Starlet

So this is a little ditty that I got stuck in my head and just had to get it out. It really isn't my greatest work and it really wasn't meant to be, it took a whole 3 minutes to write.

Content wise, it speaks for itself...

When there is nothing else left to say
Do you keep on trying
Do you go above and beyond
That who does nought but whining?

Do you let go, be free, be me
And sail away on sea’s
Or do you stand fast and hope you’ll last,
And yet maybe walk home crying.

Here’s what I say to you, to him.
My stance will never change.
You can love me hard and pray all that hard and still continue whining.
I don’t do tests or plays or commands
I am not your seadog pirate.

When it comes down to it
I will leave you to it
Because I’m the Beauty and the Starlet.

A Story about Candle Light

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, in the not quite so magical kingdom of Durban - South Africa, lived a compulsive writer. She had long flowing brunette locks which inevitably got dyed her favourite colour – red and a voice that when sung even dogs would whimper and hide.

One cold winter’s day, she was released by the evil Chimera, upon wondering to find shelter, she became lost in a deep dark abyss. She was swallowed by the darkness itself. Luckily a friendly group of bats gave her a candle and matches to find her way.

Fumbling in the dark she managed to light the candle, no sooner had she, a terrible wind swept through the abyss threatening to blow out her light. The light flickered hither and thither despite her keeping the candle shielded with her hands. She began to lose faith.

She tripped over a rock and her candle and matches were lost in the darkness surrounding her.

In a final attempt to reach out – she felt for a rock or charcoal and began to write on the nearest stone surface. She wrote of her story, her fears, troubles and woes and then fell into a deep dark slumber.

Upon waking, light now filtered through the abyss which now didn’t seem so dark or scary. She looked down at herself and saw that she had cuts and bruises everywhere. Her hands were filthy with the charcoal she had held the night before.

And there next to her message, lay another message, along with a lantern, a bag of candles and matches. Sometime during the night, a traveler had passed her way and left these gifts.

The message was this: -


Tribute

The city slumbers under the iron fist set by darkness.
A wailing, clamant query on the sputtering shadow of the overused candle.

A dissonant exultion of the tiny speck that speaks of a path miraged by the ever-braced darkness.
Beguiling the consumption of the revenant hope that sits poised. Seeking.

The light lingers, screaming cold defiance at creeping night.
Jubilee springs. The forever-orb sets fire to the shadow. A cozy promise to reign eternal on the wick with no end.



As the Story would have it. Over a year ago, I wrote a poem to a friend.
Due to the fact that I write on anything and everything, I merely whatsapped this poem without any thought of backing it up or saving it. Hence my story-like intro. The Tribute left by my "traveller" friend, was the response I received to the poem I had written.

If you like the "Tribute", Feel free to peruse his blog and other writings.
He is quite the writer if I do say so myself...

http://www.reisonance-words.blogspot.com/


Happy readings my friendies!!!

To hear or to listen… that is the question I shall ask

I have for the purposes of this post, decided to put in all the songs I mentioned for those of you who would actually like to listen to them and get a real understanding.


I read an interesting quote the other day, it said:-

“When you are happy, you enjoy the music but when you are sad, you understand the lyrics”.
Quote by Frank Ocean

Instantly a wave of nostalgia swept over me. I remembered two distinct memories.

The first was a memory of my brother, almost 12 years ago. I had been sitting in my room studying. He asked me to come into his room and listen to some music. I thought my eyes just about popped out of my head and I almost had a stroke. First of all, my brother spoke to me – no small triumph was this and secondly, he wanted to impart knowledge or bond with me. Something peculiar was definitely happening.

I went to his room and he played for me – Slipknot – Surfacing. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I have a special place in my heart for Slipknot and Corey Taylor. Just so we are clear, if you do not know who that is, well then there is this amaaaaazing invention. It’s called “the internet” and “Google”, you may use it to find and obtain useful knowledge… Who knew?

At the time, I was young, impressionable and still very attached to the pop culture of that decade. The most hardcore band or artist that I had listened to was Limp Bizkit, and only because of the monster success of their album Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavoured Water. Who could resist the wily charms of Fred Durst and his red or black cap that never left his head or Wes Borland in his (what was back then) outrageous stage outfits that he used to wear / paint on himself.

 Like I said… I was young and impressionable. (Just by the way, they are still cool and rock my world whenever I listen to their jams)

In all honesty hearing “Surfacing” for the first time wasn’t really a deal breaker. It wasn’t mind blowing or life changing, what I heard, was what most other people hear when they listen to Slipknot – and that is generally a bunch of shouting and a lot of cussing. I maybe heard 30-40% of the lyrics, but I had no real understanding of them. It just sounded like a lot of anger, rage and complaining. And so went probably one of the most pivotal bonding moments with my brother.

When I was a bit more educated in respect of music, I googled the lyrics, got the song and listened to the song whilst reading the lyrics. From that day on, consider my life changed. Every time I heard a song I thought I liked but wasn’t entirely sure of the lyrics, that is what I did and it is what I do to this day.

Slipknot - Surfacing. Album - Slipknot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo8DujdhXxA


The second memory was altogether quite different. I was a few years older and definitely within my tumultuous teenage years. I was sitting in my best friends’ room. My mind and emotions were in turmoil over my life and relationships I had with persons, the expectations I had of people and the expectations they had of me.
The song that my best friend played for me and which touched my soul so deeply was “Staind – Outside”. If anyone has ever been hurt by someone and retaliated in a not so appropriate manner, then this song is for you. As I listened, I realized that it was the first time that I heard every single lyric, every single note and to the depth of my core I understood it.

Staind - Outside. Album - Break the Cycle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN3WCja5QdY


You see there is a difference between listening and hearing. You can hear but not truly listen to anything. So when you hear ballies singing those raunchy “I wana touch your body and lick you everywhere” lyrics while happily bouncing up and down in the car. I can guarantee that they are not actually listening to the lyrics or what they are singing. And so was the case of my mother, when I caught her singing the chorus to Eminem “Welcome to Detroit City" whilst listening to the radio. Besides being somewhat impressed, I asked her if she actually knew what she was singing and if she knew what the song was about. To which she replied “No, it just sounds like a Happy song”. I almost choked on that one. I then had to explain to her that its about gangsters and thugs and a whole bunch of death. Take note... You old fogies :)


Youtube: Eminem ft TrickTrick - Welcome to Detroit City
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfyvWl741mQ


A few years more after all this transpired, I had the honour of educating the same brother when I took him to Burn (an alternative Nightclub here in Durban South Africa) and he heard Lonely Lonely by The Narrow (A South African band) for the first time. And I know that that song changed his life in more ways than one. It really is one of my proudest and happiest moments that I have ever had the privilege of experiencing.

The Narrow - Lonely Lonely. Album - Travellers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ4Zn6MaSQI

So obviously every one has a theme song, you do have a theme song, right?!?!?!?!
And here’s a recommendation, it is a little creepy but I find it works and I’m pretty sure most of you do it anyway. But get the song, this song or your theme song, go to your room in the evening, turn off the light, lie down on the floor, close your eyes, turn it up full volume and just listen. Its life changing, it really really is.

Usually theme songs change over a period of time, but to this day, and it has probably been over a decade, I can still say that what I have below is my theme song. It doesn’t matter which way you cut it or where I am in my life – this song still applies.

In terms of my most influential song, in respect of lyrics, and do not laugh because it is a chick band, they still rule (Girl Power ftw!!). It is My Ruin – Terror. I’ll save you the trouble of having to google or youtube search it, simply because the youtube music video is just siff and does no justice to the song whatsoever. So here are the lyrics and the song.

My Ruin - Terror. Album - Speak and Destroy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_GVrQQnvXQ
(Lyrics at 4:44 should be "Own" not Only)

Lyrics:
Terror

This is what you call me...

I strike terror among men.
I can't be bothered by what they think.
I bare my cross,
My soul,
Myself.
I forgive,
but i never forget.
I've been put upon this earth in female form.
But I can handle myself with the best of you,
As well as the worst.
And I often have.
I have the right to remain silent,
But i choose to speak,
Sing,
Scream
I am lips,
Hips,
Tits
I am the power of a woman,
Strong like music,
True like friendship,
But without my friends,
There would be no music.
Only spoken word.

I am able to change,
So I live without regret,
Without remorse,
Only a remix.
I am drunk,
I am sober.
Heaven doesn't want me
And Hell's afraid i'll take over
Don't bother trying to censor me,
Or shut me up,
Because it won't work.
I am cold and distant,
Yet warm and close,
To those who deserve to see that side of me.
Part of me the heart of me.
You find me so hard to understand in your world.
The world you perceive to be so normal.
I am deformed,
Scorned ,
Reborn.
I am me,
And i know exactly who i am,
What i am
And the wrath i bring.
The ugly beauty,
The lying truth,
The virgin whore
The quiet storm
A lover,
A fighter,
A saint,
A sinner,
A sister,
A daughter
Old school.
A beginner.
I have decorated myself with love,
Hate,
Truth,
You.
All of you,
Both of you,
None of you,
More than one of you

With lips like sugar.
Eyes like meat.
I've watched men come,
And go,
And cheat.
I sleep to dream
And dream of sleep.
I had a dream joe
That you were standing in the middle of an open grove.
I had a dream joe
That your hands were raised up to the sky
And your mouth was covered in foam.
I've been crucified,
Justified,
And mortified by my behavior.
Both feminine,
And masculine.
I am a contradiction,
And juxtaposition.
My relief is my release,
And only time will tell.
All's well that ends well
I am unsweetened,
Unclean,
Been called drama queen.
Ex girlfriend,
Ex member,
The tantrum,
The temper.
I point my finger,
Take the blame.
And this time I will own the name.
Because no one is going to ruin me.
If i have to,
I will ruin myself.
And it will be 'My Ruin'(My Ruin)


If you read the lyrics of Terror carefully, doesn’t it just remind you of the movie V for Vendetta when Evey has sent off the train and the Detective asks who V was and she replies: “He was Edmund Dantes… and he was my father and my mother…my brother and my friend. He was you and he was me. He was all of us.” I think that sometimes that is the best explanation of an idea or even the human soul. It is that we are capable of anything and we are capable of being anything that you should choose to be.

I really believe that people sell themselves short simply because they label themselves or their personality. What is stopping you from being everything? There are times when I dress up to the 9’s and 10’s, wear evening gowns, highheels and form philosophical and intellectual conversation with the best of society and then there are the times where I go out in a vest, jeans, and trainers and will mosh my little heart out to heavy metal in a dark and dingy nightclub. These are all facets of my personality, they do not define me, but together they make me, me.

So now, here is a thought… What makes you, You?

Everything Happens for a Reason

Kindly note this is a continuation of The Unconventional Rebel

It remains unseen as to whether my Mr Petal knows just how much feelings I have for him or how far they extend, to be brutally honest – I don’t think I do either. But when it comes down to it, I refer you to Number 2 answer of Option A mentioned in "For your educational purposes – Part 1”
If someone wants to be with you, they will.

Noting quite obviously that I will never actually have this discussion with him on the basis that it is wholly unnecessary, firstly, because he is reading this blog (Weird right?!?!?!?). I know him probably better than he knows himself, I know his answer and his reasons or at the very least I think I do and the only thing that enduring this conversation would actually provide for, is his genuine pity.

When I say pity, I don’t mean pity in a bad way – I just mean that he will feel sorry for me for not being able to give me what I want and hurting me. No one ever really wants to hurt their friends or people they care for, sometimes, it just happens. I know this because I have been through it, I have been on the opposite side of the river. You know what though, I just don’t want it. I don’t want pity. It is not going to do any good for either of us and it is not going to make me feel better. What I know is this, I am not going to spend my life pining for him and feeling sorry for myself that he never “chose” me when I have my entire life to live and be happy. Whether the future includes us staying friends or not will depend on how strong I am and how much I am willing to sacrifice.

What I want you to consider is the expression "wearing the shoe on the other foot". They cannot control their feelings anymore than we can control ours. They cannot force themselves to love you or like you, and would you really want it? Would you ever want to be in a relationship knowing that they don’t really love you, that they are in it “just because” or just because they are afraid to hurt you? I know I wouldn’t.

I recognize that a lot of you reading this, have been exactly where I am right now and my heart goes out to you. If I have been the one to hurt you, then I am sorry too, my intention is never to hurt anyone.

Unfortunately I feel it entirely necessary to enter a proviso here due to recent events in my life. I feel less than zero remorse if I hurt you because you were being a crazy mofo stalker. It is completely unacceptable human behaviour and although you think it was “love” and you were hurt by rejection, your actions really just wanted to make me get a restraining order and quite possibly a tazer. Realize the boundaries of acceptable human behaviour and interaction and deal with your feelings like an adult. Go to a bar or therapy or both. Do not stalk, harass or try and intervene the moving on of their life because you are incapable of moving on with your own. The only person you are hurting, is yourself and at the end of the day the only thing you are doing is scaring them and forcing them into a position where they have no option but to act negatively to your actions. If you try make the best of a situation, despite being hurt, you’ll actually find that you can still be happy and you won’t hate the other person for the hurt you are suffering. But if you make things ugly then of course things are going to get ugly. Negative breeds negative and positive breeds positive. Carry on with life, keep close to the friends who matter, continue doing things you love or find new things to love, you’ll realize that life is never that bad and you can always overcome any situation, no matter how “strong” or “weak” you think you are.

Now we are coming to the end of this and it seems pretty bleak and emo by the decision I have made. Yes it is possible that he will wake up and smell the roses and be like “holy mother of God, what the fuck have I been doing and thinking, I cannot live without this woman” and sweep me off my feet (it is a nice thought, isn’t it?) and it is also possible that he won’t. Whatever happens will happen and either which way I will be happy. You know why (and this is a philosophy I live by): Everything… Every single little thing that happens in your life, happens for a reason. It makes you, you and without you, who would I or anyone else be. We are shaped by the people we meet, the experiences we go through and the decisions we make. Bear with me now because there will always be the Nature vs. Nurture argument and you will always believe what you believe. All I am saying is that I have been through enough to know that everything happens for a reason. And you know what… I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The Unconventional Rebel

Kindly note that this is a continuation of "For your educational purposes Part 2"

I, however, am an unconventional rebel. Because when do I ever do anything the easy way, I mean come on – where is the fun in that?

So what did I do exactly? I did nothing. I just chose to ignore the problem, when it comes down to it, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Hey now, don’t judge, I liked things how they were. The problem was, how long would they stay that way. So pretty much ignore ignore ignore and then one day – you guessed it – I cracked. No, not in the conventional way either. Okay guys, I know what you are thinking, but no I did not Rufey him and lock him up in my cage (although it did cross my mind).


Instead I decided to have a “few” drinks with him. Well that ended swimmingly. To be fair though, I did not fall out of a car this time (Kudo’s to me). Instead I decided to completely and utterly freak out at him, you know, because that always works... Incase you couldn’t figure out what that dripping sound was – that is the sound of sarcasm dripping from my voice.


Incase you have not yet figured it out, ignoring the problem, does not make it go away nor does it make anything easier. In fact, it usually just makes things worse. You build it up to a point where something has gotta give and usually it's you. When is too far, too far? How much are you willing to take and how much are you willing to let it destroy you. Sometimes, it's less painful to rip the band aid off faster than to do it inch by inch so to speak. The thing that I have discovered most, is that people just let it continue, they let the fallacy continue so that the hope can continue. But ask yourself this, how much of your life are you giving up every single day, hoping, when you could be out there making real life shit happen. Yes, knowing the answer is scary, giving up is scary, being and feeling hurt is scary, but if you live your life in constant fear, the only person you are destroying is yourself, and your life will become stagnant because you let fear control you and your every action.


In respect of my situation, clearly I had issues with what was going on, my conscious brain just did not want to admit it. I did not want to admit it. I thought I had it under control, I thought I had myself under control and I thought I had the situation under control. But hey no worries, because drunk Jess had noooooooo problem letting all her issues out and at the end of the day I think it was best because although I don’t remember much about what I said, I do remember how I said it and how I felt when I said it. And if that's how I felt, then it was not worth it. It is not often that I get angry or feel utter despair, but this had gone far beyond what I ever imagined I could feel at this point in my life. I never believed that that is how I felt about the situation. I just kept stuffing my emotions down, kept making excuses for myself, making excuses about his behaviour, making excuses about everything.


It was at this point that I literally had to stop and take a good look at myself, at him, the situation and decide if I wanted to carry on this road. How much was I willing to destroy just because I didn’t want to let go? How much of myself? How much of our friendship? So after not very much deliberation and definitely after feeling like an idiot, I decided to call it quits.




Next Issue: “Everything happens for a reason”

For your Educational Purposes – Part 2 – The Friend Question

Kindly note that this is a continuation of For your Educational Purposes – Part 1

The friend question. Yup, I said it. I can feel you shuddering from here. 9 out of 10 of you and especially you women (No, I am not stereotyping – our gender are just genetically stupid when it comes to this part). “Let’s still be friends” I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear your muffled cries through the chloroformed rag. Haha, just joking… *cough* ahem, anyway…

Seriously though for most of you, I do not suggest this course of action. I don’t mean this in a demeaning way, I mean it in a “statistically speaking, the only person who is going to get hurt, is you” kind of way. Most people and I am speaking generally, have the inability to separate their emotions or feelings from themselves. When you like or love someone and you want to be friends with them – this is kind of what you need to be able to do.

I would even say controlling your feelings or emotions would suffice but it almost never does, simply because that person that you are in love with or that you like or love is not going to stop living their lives because they might hurt you just because you might see or hear about something that you don’t like.



The reality is this:-

They ask or you ask the friend question. You hang out together. They start seeing someone else. You watch them do and say things to other people that you wish they’d do or say to you. I legitimately and honestly cannot think of a worse form of torture. Although to be fair – pulling nails ranks pretty high.

So like I said, if you cannot do the emotional separation thing then I don’t suggest it. But hey, who am I to say what you should or shouldn’t do, I’m okay with you learning the hard way.



Option B is generally for people who don’t know how to cope with themselves, their emotions or their lives and if you’re lucky enough to be able to afford to do it then you should stop reading this and go do it! I recommend this option for those who are trying to “find themselves” before making any other informed or misinformed decisions about their life. You people know who you are.



And finally we come to Option C – The Duke Nukem Option. In the entirety of my life, I have never, ever seen this option work. Ever. And I have seen a lot. I could go into the massively gruesome details of this option but ultimately one person is always more stubborn than the other. And when it comes down to it, no one likes to be told what to do and that is pretty much what you’re forcing.

On principle, if someone does this to me. My response is this: Go fuck yourself.



So those are generally your options and the results that follow.

Here endeth the lesson.



Stay tuned for the next post “The Unconventional Rebel”

For Your Educational Purposes - Part 1

Kindly note that this is a Continuation of "The Decision"

Should you choose Option A.
Well done, you have, in most circumstances, chosen the most adult/mature option. This, however, is entirely separate and different to what you choose to say when you have this conversation. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you don't actually plan to think before you speak. I mean, how bad could it get right? (Just by the way, I am laughing hysterically in the background, with snorts and everything) Oh you have Nooooo Idea.

Okay okay I'll calm down. In essence, if you follow this option, it can only go one of two ways.
1. They have feelings for you, in which case kindly revert to any fairy tale that ends in happily ever after.

2. They don't have feelings for you or the same amount of feelings or they don't want to commit or not now. These are just different ways of saying "No". In fact, there is a non-exhaustive list of reasons, sentences or words, but at the end of the day, if it's not an emphatic "yes". It means No.

At this point, this is where your denial kicks in. No, not the river in Egypt (see what I did there - that was just for you Nic). So no, not the river, I mean the real thing. You say to yourself "maybe", "maybe it's just me", "maybe if I change", "maybe it's because they are stressed and going through a rough time, they're just not ready for commitment". Maybe... You should stop kidding yourself. Now you may think this is harsh, and you are probably right, but it doesn't make it any less true. The sooner you stop kidding yourself, the sooner you will be able to deal with it and the sooner you will be able to move on. You know, just like I know that if you like someone and want to be with them, NOTHING will stop you and when I say nothing, I even mean the plague's in the old Testament. If you are unsure as to what I am referring to, you can educate yourself with - The Bible

Or alternatively, if that seems like a lot of effort and you want to sloth it, you can watch the semi-religious thriller "The Reaping" - which by the way if you haven't seen, you really should.

So once again, if someone doesn't emphatically say yes to you. It means no.

But never fear... because I have more bad news or good news, actually it depends which way you look at it. As in the optimistic way “oh look the glass is half full”, the pessimistic way “oh look, the glass is half empty”, my way “oh look, there’s room for vodka”. Vodka fixes everything – okay wait, I am getting ahead of myself or I could be excited for the vodka, or it could be the Monster I just drank… wait what.

And continuing on point, if your man or woman-ho says no or some other variation as discussed above. At least you know the answer – kudo’s for being brave enough to ask. This, however, is where the tricky part comes in. To ask or not to ask… The Friend Question.

Stay tuned for "Your educational purposes - Part 2"

The Decision

Kindly note that this is a Continuation of "Consequences of the Epiphany"

Yes, that awkward decision. The decision to:

A) Broach the subject of these feelings. Ie. Your non-exclusive man or woman-ho, whatever you like to call them. For the purposes of this blog, I shall name mine, Petal (for those of you having a chuckle, its better than Krull okay? And for those of you who understood that reference – well done!!)

B) Cut ties, quit your job, sell everything you own, leave the country and become a janitor in Indonesia. (This apparently is a legitimate option according to someone I know)

C) The Ultimatum. Otherwise known as the “Duke Nukem”
When you do this, you better be ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum or have a box of tissues handy. If you are a guy, Duke Nukem rules apply in which case ignore the part about tissues, go to your nearest strip club, hand out money to strippers and say “Do you wana dance?”

So before I go onto what I actually did, these are what I think are the possible results of the aforementioned… For your educational purposes of course.

Buuut you’ll have to wait til next week to read them in “For your educational purposes”.