I thought of You

Today I thought of you. You popped up on my newsfeed and I saw your name. I saw how you touched others and helped them become who they are. It made my heart happy and proud.

Saturday I thought of you. I listened to our songs, how hard it was to remember our memories of What's Up and that there will be no more Tears in Heaven.

Sunday I thought of you. That was always our day. Jiving away to a crazy little thing called love. My infamous dip and a Pixie or Temptress a holla away.

Monday I thought of you. Robz sang and they played your song three times, I think it broke her heart. I sang for the first time after you begging me for years. You would have loved it and probably would have gotten me to sing with you too.

Tuesday I thought of you. I had spoken to you about this and I finished what I had started. I posted the first thing I had written in a year. I missed your opinion, and your solace on the subject. I told our friend how important they were to you, and you were a dork for not saying so.

Wednesday I thought of you. I hit rock bottom and was ready to give up. I knew you had the same Faith in me that I always had in you - and that you were with me - Always.

Thursday I thought of you. I had made it through Wednesday. I knew you were on others minds and they missed you too. We are all in this together.

Friday I thought of you. Someone spoke to me about you. They were trying to provide comfort and all it did was irritate me. I could hear you in my head "Hey now, lets not get all excited. Mofo's gona be losing their minds all up in here" *with a little chuckle in the end* That would have been followed with Tequila.

Yesterday I thought of you. You would have called me Pikey Hen for looking after everyone. You probably would have even been there and danced and sang the night away. The Judgment on stories would be thick the next day, but we would love it anyway.

Today I thought of you. I couldn't get my contact quite right. It burnt and itched and it hurt in only they way my eyes did after the day we lost you and I wept for you.

Tomorrow I will think of you...

Every day I will think of you...

My Blue Eyed Lover

At the end of the day, I could no longer look into his eyes. The sparkling blue reminded me of everything I had lost.
I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. That I would be okay and that he would be there for me.
It was nothing to do with the fact that I needed the comfort. I just wanted it from him, I needed it from him.
And after all the late nights, the silent messages, and holding hands - I was left more empty than I had ever been before.

It was the oddest thing, it wasn't what we had, it was what we didn't have that burnt me deep inside.
How can you miss something that you never had, something you don't have.

I knew at some point that it was love. But ask me how I got there and I could not tell you.
I never fell, it was not love at first sight. It was gradual, like a dripping tap.
At first, the sound is annoying, but eventually and if you let it, the bath is filled and the sound is no longer that hollow dripping sound.

I don't regret it, or him or any thing for that matter.
Feeling love again was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
It taught me that I could love again, that I would love again.
Even if it was not meant to be, that knowledge is irreplaceable and for that I am eternally grateful.
I will probably always love him, not for himself or what we were together.
But for who he was to me.

Now, I look into his eyes and I do not feel like I'm crumbling anymore
I smile, with the knowledge that he was the best stepping stone I could have had.
Even if he doesn't know it.