...

I wish I'd said your name to the Earth
Released your secrets within her powdery grace
Shed my tears into her warm embrace.

I wish I'd said your name to the Wind
Whisper your words across the seas
Bend my will and set you free.

Free of this life and its travesty
The inconsolable affair of ebony and ivory.

Instead, I said your name to the Moon
She held you to her light and every night
I'd breathe our truths between elements and stars
Between my drinks and our bars -

Dissolution of flesh marred by preservation
Seeing your face was no salvation.

I wish I hadn't said your Name.

My Friend

Hello My Friend
I see we meet again
The sun sets and I am enamoured by your encompassing embrace.

I whisper to you
Do not fear, for my lover is not near
She is gone from our sight, gone until another night.
Whisper sweet nothings in my ear
Tell me your secrets I have been longing to hear
Tell me how we can change the world

Comfort me with the blanket of sins of those who misinterpret you
Those who see nothing instead of your everything.
Do not be slighted My Friend
For without you, they could not see the grace of the world.
You are the echo of silence, and hold the silence of my heart.

The dawn approaches and our time is fleeting
I know not when we will meet again
As the darkness recedes and the light seeps in.
You are all but gone from me - a fading memory
But in the deepest hour of an incandescent hour -
We will be one - My Friend.

I thought of You

Today I thought of you. You popped up on my newsfeed and I saw your name. I saw how you touched others and helped them become who they are. It made my heart happy and proud.

Saturday I thought of you. I listened to our songs, how hard it was to remember our memories of What's Up and that there will be no more Tears in Heaven.

Sunday I thought of you. That was always our day. Jiving away to a crazy little thing called love. My infamous dip and a Pixie or Temptress a holla away.

Monday I thought of you. Robz sang and they played your song three times, I think it broke her heart. I sang for the first time after you begging me for years. You would have loved it and probably would have gotten me to sing with you too.

Tuesday I thought of you. I had spoken to you about this and I finished what I had started. I posted the first thing I had written in a year. I missed your opinion, and your solace on the subject. I told our friend how important they were to you, and you were a dork for not saying so.

Wednesday I thought of you. I hit rock bottom and was ready to give up. I knew you had the same Faith in me that I always had in you - and that you were with me - Always.

Thursday I thought of you. I had made it through Wednesday. I knew you were on others minds and they missed you too. We are all in this together.

Friday I thought of you. Someone spoke to me about you. They were trying to provide comfort and all it did was irritate me. I could hear you in my head "Hey now, lets not get all excited. Mofo's gona be losing their minds all up in here" *with a little chuckle in the end* That would have been followed with Tequila.

Yesterday I thought of you. You would have called me Pikey Hen for looking after everyone. You probably would have even been there and danced and sang the night away. The Judgment on stories would be thick the next day, but we would love it anyway.

Today I thought of you. I couldn't get my contact quite right. It burnt and itched and it hurt in only they way my eyes did after the day we lost you and I wept for you.

Tomorrow I will think of you...

Every day I will think of you...

My Blue Eyed Lover

At the end of the day, I could no longer look into his eyes. The sparkling blue reminded me of everything I had lost.
I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. That I would be okay and that he would be there for me.
It was nothing to do with the fact that I needed the comfort. I just wanted it from him, I needed it from him.
And after all the late nights, the silent messages, and holding hands - I was left more empty than I had ever been before.

It was the oddest thing, it wasn't what we had, it was what we didn't have that burnt me deep inside.
How can you miss something that you never had, something you don't have.

I knew at some point that it was love. But ask me how I got there and I could not tell you.
I never fell, it was not love at first sight. It was gradual, like a dripping tap.
At first, the sound is annoying, but eventually and if you let it, the bath is filled and the sound is no longer that hollow dripping sound.

I don't regret it, or him or any thing for that matter.
Feeling love again was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
It taught me that I could love again, that I would love again.
Even if it was not meant to be, that knowledge is irreplaceable and for that I am eternally grateful.
I will probably always love him, not for himself or what we were together.
But for who he was to me.

Now, I look into his eyes and I do not feel like I'm crumbling anymore
I smile, with the knowledge that he was the best stepping stone I could have had.
Even if he doesn't know it.

3 of the craziest Life changing moments

Sometimes, the craziest of things happen. They are completely inexplicable. Sometimes it happens to you and sometimes it just happens around you and you happen to become a part of it.
These are the 3 moments that stood out in my life as completely life changing.


1. Strange things happen but sometimes you need that to happen.

It was the weekend, I was young, well, younger.... We were at Origin, a Nightclub in Durban. I was in a side room close to the bar but not quite at the bar – my friend had just spoken to me and left to go do something or find someone. I was alone probably 10 minutes, just standing – enjoying the vibe, the people, the everything. Then out of nowhere, this random chic who I had never seen before, never met before – comes up to me, grabs my arm, looks me dead in the eye and tells me I am an amazing person and what I do is important. And then walks off.
To this day, I have no idea who she was, or what she saw that made her think that, let alone approach me and say it. It has boggled my mind ever since. But at that moment, I had needed to hear those words from a stranger – and maybe she knew that. Sometimes the most random act – can be the most life changing.


2. Being with someone doesn't mean compromising your beliefs.

The moment I realized that even though being in a relationship may mean compromising. It doesn’t mean compromising your beliefs. Once you compromise on that, what else is there – the biggest and most important part of who you are – is your belief system, it is what gives you your faith or your peace of mind at the end of the day.


3. Sometimes, you need to do whatever you need to do, in order to feel okay.

I had gone through a particularly bad break up. I didn’t talk about it. There was nothing to talk about. I could talk about betrayal, I could talk about pain and hurt but at the end of the day, that just wasn’t going to change the situation, and it did not make me feel better. It wasn’t going to make him come back to me, it wasn’t going to make me understand his motives any better.

One night after the break up, I had gone out clubbing with my friend, it was a normal night. We drank and partied the night away. And while driving home, my friend pulled over the car. And stopped in the middle of a desolute dodgy parking lot in the middle of nowhere.
He proceeded to ask me: how could I act that way?
Act like what? I was um… normal? Having a good time with my friend, out and about.
How could I act like nothing has happened, like nothing has changed when everything had.
My answer: I’m doing whatever I need to do, in order to be okay.
In that instance – it was drinking, having fun with a friend clubbing, listening to music and dancing.
I could have stayed at home every night and wept, I could have become self destructive, I could have taken drugs and numbed myself out – that is so incredibly easy to do, to do nothing. There were a hundred other things I could have done. There is no right or wrong way to feel okay, to be okay – And people need to understand that. Every single person out there has their own way of dealing with their, grief, their loneliness, their pain – because it is theirs. Not yours, not anyone else’s, theirs. And it is their burden to bear.
My mother always used to ask “why do you always have to do everything the hard way”
Sometimes, the only way to learn is the hard way. People don’t just hit rock bottom for no reason. I have had my fair share of demons. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. At the end of the day, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say “ok, I can live with that” – then good for you.

A letter to the South African Organ Donor Foundation

As a 26 year old registered organ donor, I am aware of the desperation and need for organ donors within South Africa and our community.

What I see, every day is an ignorance. In essence, people are aware of death and that death can happen at any given time. What they are ignorant of, is how much that a single death of an organ donor, can change several lives.

I applaud your initiative and appeal for funds to raise both awareness and the number of organ donors, however I find it lacking.

Sending out an email to registered donors asking to add a debit order of R100.00 and in return will receive a silicone armband, no offense, is not going to illicit much of a response. Neither will spamming it on facebook, in fact, you’re more likely to lose persons who were originally interested in your page and the cause.

Let me explain why:-

Financially, times are tough. Price of petrol is rising endlessly which creates a chain reaction whereby, the price of food goes up, inflation goes up, rent and bonds go up and as we all know, our salary’s do not go up. South African’s are using credit facilities quite literally to keep afloat. I know this, because that’s what I do, and so do many countless others.

R100.00 nowadays, is quite literally precious.

No one wants to add a R100.00 debit order for which they know they cannot entirely commit to.


Secondly,
You provide a very empathetic email about how the lives that were changed and that you need to create awareness and need funds to do so. Yet I have never seen any real marketing. The internet is a now a marvelous thing, riddled with social media – facebook, myspace, youtube, twitter etc. A way to contact and interact with millions of people in the blink of an eye, of the 48 million plus of South Africa’s population and with the 1.2 million users of South African facebook users, you have a mere 15 000 people who like your page.

Social Media in today’s society especially in respect of NPO’s is a godsend. It no longer requires word of mouth of good deed’s or stories that save a life, it merely requires the click of a button.


This brings me to my next point.
I read your email and could hear the desperation in your plea and voice. But I felt no empathy at all. You are an “independent” third party. Where is the human connection? Where are the life changing stories of thanks from those people themselves? Where are their photos and videos?
I understand that, it is possible that some people may choose not to share their story but surely you want to promote the cause to the nth degree. I went on your website and noted that the last blog of someone’s story was updated in September 2013, an astounding 5 months ago. Am I to believe that the last transplant that occurred in South Africa happened 5 months ago?

When I read your email, I just read “give me R100.00”, not a R100.00, a R100.00 a month. That is R1200.00 for a silicone armband. This does not impress me. My mom and my boyfriend are organ donor’s. I asked my mom if she received the email, she said yes. I then enquired whether she would sign up for the debit order. She laughed and said she cannot afford R100 extra a month. My boyfriend doesn’t even read your emails, he just deletes them.

If I commit to a R100.00 debit order, I want to see where the funds are going. I went through your facebook page and your website. Your facebook page leaves something to be desired, there is no interaction to speak of. Where are date’s, photo’s, and proof of these educational programme’s, conferences, and events. Where are your motivational and inspirational words, photo’s or meme’s? People want to be inspired into helping, they need to feel a connection to the cause and they want to be involved. As an NGO, you should be seeking to help create that bridge, between what you need and what people want to give.

I noted with interest that the facebook page, despite a constant spam of “Please tell 7 people” and “commit to a R100 debit order”, the posts for this year so far have only focused on the Cape Town area. I am unsure as to whether simply because it is the place where you have the most interest or funds or control etc. But why is there no involvement in any of the other provinces (just by the way, I am from Durban).

Everything I see on your facebook and website, is passive. A perfect example is on your website where you state that the ODF is “invited” to, the ODF is invited to host an awareness stand at various events. The word “invited” implies being passive. It means that someone else held an event and invited you to join the party so to speak.
I am involved in a number of charity drives, events and organizations and there is nothing passive about it, we do not wait to be invited to anything. We approach people constantly, and we ourselves host charity drives, whether its volunteer work or trying to raise money and we get the community involved. It is entirely possible that I am reading too much into the way your website is written and this is of course my personal opinion on the matter.

In any event, I have given your ear a good chewing, so to speak.

Here are my suggestions.

1. Start taking an active approach. (I know funds are limited, but find interested volunteers, I promise you there are a lot out there who are willing to give of their time for free – it is a good cause, you just need to show them that)

2. Start holding charity drives / drives in different area’s and provinces (lets get away from the constant fix on Cape Town) and maybe get some friendly competition going between drives in the provinces.

There must be other ways of raising money besides imploring people to add a R100 debit order for a silicone bracelet. Find them, use them.

3. Marketing Strategy – you need to change it!
This facebook spam has got to go (please get a new facebook administrator). Get interesting, human interest stories of organ donors or donor receivers, hospital staff, doctors, nurses involved etc.
Get the medical community involved, by talking about how the ODF and how its education programs have changed them and their knowledge and maybe even their professional standing on organ donation. What about the cultural element in rural area’s, does this affect organ donation, how do you bridge the gap.
Get the legal community involved, by talking about the legislation and its impact.
Get personal opinions from everyone, what can we do to get more involvement.

4. Transparency.
Where are your funds coming from, how much do you have, how much do you need, and where is it going. As an NGO, people are donating their hard earned money to you. They want to know where it is going. Yes, you mention in your site, it goes to admin staff and the help line, into making information pamphlets etc and you mention some figures in the chartered flights etc.
Those are words, empty words, show photos of these 100 000 pamphlets getting distributed to trauma centres and rural clinics, give us a list of which trauma centres etc. What or who is to say that you don’t just spend the money on a massive salary for yourself. Do you see where I’m going with this?

5. Get active on your website.
Your blog is once again, passive. You allow users to join, write and post but lets be honest, not everyone wants to go that extra mile. What about emails, letters and photos of “happily ever after” stories that I know you and your organization must receive. Why aren’t these being posted by the administrators onto the blog?

As per number 2, drives and charity drives. It seems like the Foundation targets a minority of people i.e. already registered donors, and then you ask them for money. You should be branching out, the youth can be contacted via rotary clubs. We have many here in Durban. You can host events at any given time, we have financial and charity drives often at Markets and at Nightclubs, one in specific I can mention is The Winston.

The Winston is a pub / club that Durban live bands play at for the Durban alternative scene. Last year, we held a charity drive for a friend and member of the alternative scene who has cancer. A bunch of bands played for free and entrance at the door was a donation to the fund. It was hugely successful.
There are numerous markets every single month in and around Durban. Durban has the “I Heart Durban” Market, the Hillcrest market, the Shongweni market (the list goes on). Where you could have a stand or drive. For goodness sake, you can buy a bunch of roses and sell them at a higher price and use those finances. Selling the silicone armbands at these markets for R25.00 or R50.00 will definitely work, holding raffles etc. and having those information pamphlets at these stands and a sign up register for organ donors. In honesty there are millions of ways for you to raise money and sign up more donors and I just don’t see you taking that extra step or approach.

This brings my email to a conclusion.
I hope this email reaches you and you find it helpful.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any queries in respect of the above.

Kind Regards



To view the Organ Donor Foundation of South Africa's Website, please follow the link below:

https://www.odf.org.za/

Beauty and The Starlet

So this is a little ditty that I got stuck in my head and just had to get it out. It really isn't my greatest work and it really wasn't meant to be, it took a whole 3 minutes to write.

Content wise, it speaks for itself...

When there is nothing else left to say
Do you keep on trying
Do you go above and beyond
That who does nought but whining?

Do you let go, be free, be me
And sail away on sea’s
Or do you stand fast and hope you’ll last,
And yet maybe walk home crying.

Here’s what I say to you, to him.
My stance will never change.
You can love me hard and pray all that hard and still continue whining.
I don’t do tests or plays or commands
I am not your seadog pirate.

When it comes down to it
I will leave you to it
Because I’m the Beauty and the Starlet.

My Reprieve

Hope compels me to destroy myself.
An endless unseeing road,
Like the rabbit hole which does not lead to Wonderland.
Where the important things are meaningless and the trivial are paramount.
Gone is my humour, my remorse, my hearts redemption.
Dissect humanity and reject its worthless spine
Implant illusions and fallacies into dreams unborn
Forsake the truth and its ancillaries
Scorn the indescribable
Unleash the spite, the darkness, the shroud of hunger
Anesthetize the will, the power, the indomitable.

Forever to lay in wait, the soul, unknown to its bearer… awaiting its reprieve.

A Story about Candle Light

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, in the not quite so magical kingdom of Durban - South Africa, lived a compulsive writer. She had long flowing brunette locks which inevitably got dyed her favourite colour – red and a voice that when sung even dogs would whimper and hide.

One cold winter’s day, she was released by the evil Chimera, upon wondering to find shelter, she became lost in a deep dark abyss. She was swallowed by the darkness itself. Luckily a friendly group of bats gave her a candle and matches to find her way.

Fumbling in the dark she managed to light the candle, no sooner had she, a terrible wind swept through the abyss threatening to blow out her light. The light flickered hither and thither despite her keeping the candle shielded with her hands. She began to lose faith.

She tripped over a rock and her candle and matches were lost in the darkness surrounding her.

In a final attempt to reach out – she felt for a rock or charcoal and began to write on the nearest stone surface. She wrote of her story, her fears, troubles and woes and then fell into a deep dark slumber.

Upon waking, light now filtered through the abyss which now didn’t seem so dark or scary. She looked down at herself and saw that she had cuts and bruises everywhere. Her hands were filthy with the charcoal she had held the night before.

And there next to her message, lay another message, along with a lantern, a bag of candles and matches. Sometime during the night, a traveler had passed her way and left these gifts.

The message was this: -


Tribute

The city slumbers under the iron fist set by darkness.
A wailing, clamant query on the sputtering shadow of the overused candle.

A dissonant exultion of the tiny speck that speaks of a path miraged by the ever-braced darkness.
Beguiling the consumption of the revenant hope that sits poised. Seeking.

The light lingers, screaming cold defiance at creeping night.
Jubilee springs. The forever-orb sets fire to the shadow. A cozy promise to reign eternal on the wick with no end.



As the Story would have it. Over a year ago, I wrote a poem to a friend.
Due to the fact that I write on anything and everything, I merely whatsapped this poem without any thought of backing it up or saving it. Hence my story-like intro. The Tribute left by my "traveller" friend, was the response I received to the poem I had written.

If you like the "Tribute", Feel free to peruse his blog and other writings.
He is quite the writer if I do say so myself...

http://www.reisonance-words.blogspot.com/


Happy readings my friendies!!!

To hear or to listen… that is the question I shall ask

I have for the purposes of this post, decided to put in all the songs I mentioned for those of you who would actually like to listen to them and get a real understanding.


I read an interesting quote the other day, it said:-

“When you are happy, you enjoy the music but when you are sad, you understand the lyrics”.
Quote by Frank Ocean

Instantly a wave of nostalgia swept over me. I remembered two distinct memories.

The first was a memory of my brother, almost 12 years ago. I had been sitting in my room studying. He asked me to come into his room and listen to some music. I thought my eyes just about popped out of my head and I almost had a stroke. First of all, my brother spoke to me – no small triumph was this and secondly, he wanted to impart knowledge or bond with me. Something peculiar was definitely happening.

I went to his room and he played for me – Slipknot – Surfacing. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I have a special place in my heart for Slipknot and Corey Taylor. Just so we are clear, if you do not know who that is, well then there is this amaaaaazing invention. It’s called “the internet” and “Google”, you may use it to find and obtain useful knowledge… Who knew?

At the time, I was young, impressionable and still very attached to the pop culture of that decade. The most hardcore band or artist that I had listened to was Limp Bizkit, and only because of the monster success of their album Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog Flavoured Water. Who could resist the wily charms of Fred Durst and his red or black cap that never left his head or Wes Borland in his (what was back then) outrageous stage outfits that he used to wear / paint on himself.

 Like I said… I was young and impressionable. (Just by the way, they are still cool and rock my world whenever I listen to their jams)

In all honesty hearing “Surfacing” for the first time wasn’t really a deal breaker. It wasn’t mind blowing or life changing, what I heard, was what most other people hear when they listen to Slipknot – and that is generally a bunch of shouting and a lot of cussing. I maybe heard 30-40% of the lyrics, but I had no real understanding of them. It just sounded like a lot of anger, rage and complaining. And so went probably one of the most pivotal bonding moments with my brother.

When I was a bit more educated in respect of music, I googled the lyrics, got the song and listened to the song whilst reading the lyrics. From that day on, consider my life changed. Every time I heard a song I thought I liked but wasn’t entirely sure of the lyrics, that is what I did and it is what I do to this day.

Slipknot - Surfacing. Album - Slipknot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo8DujdhXxA


The second memory was altogether quite different. I was a few years older and definitely within my tumultuous teenage years. I was sitting in my best friends’ room. My mind and emotions were in turmoil over my life and relationships I had with persons, the expectations I had of people and the expectations they had of me.
The song that my best friend played for me and which touched my soul so deeply was “Staind – Outside”. If anyone has ever been hurt by someone and retaliated in a not so appropriate manner, then this song is for you. As I listened, I realized that it was the first time that I heard every single lyric, every single note and to the depth of my core I understood it.

Staind - Outside. Album - Break the Cycle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN3WCja5QdY


You see there is a difference between listening and hearing. You can hear but not truly listen to anything. So when you hear ballies singing those raunchy “I wana touch your body and lick you everywhere” lyrics while happily bouncing up and down in the car. I can guarantee that they are not actually listening to the lyrics or what they are singing. And so was the case of my mother, when I caught her singing the chorus to Eminem “Welcome to Detroit City" whilst listening to the radio. Besides being somewhat impressed, I asked her if she actually knew what she was singing and if she knew what the song was about. To which she replied “No, it just sounds like a Happy song”. I almost choked on that one. I then had to explain to her that its about gangsters and thugs and a whole bunch of death. Take note... You old fogies :)


Youtube: Eminem ft TrickTrick - Welcome to Detroit City
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfyvWl741mQ


A few years more after all this transpired, I had the honour of educating the same brother when I took him to Burn (an alternative Nightclub here in Durban South Africa) and he heard Lonely Lonely by The Narrow (A South African band) for the first time. And I know that that song changed his life in more ways than one. It really is one of my proudest and happiest moments that I have ever had the privilege of experiencing.

The Narrow - Lonely Lonely. Album - Travellers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ4Zn6MaSQI

So obviously every one has a theme song, you do have a theme song, right?!?!?!?!
And here’s a recommendation, it is a little creepy but I find it works and I’m pretty sure most of you do it anyway. But get the song, this song or your theme song, go to your room in the evening, turn off the light, lie down on the floor, close your eyes, turn it up full volume and just listen. Its life changing, it really really is.

Usually theme songs change over a period of time, but to this day, and it has probably been over a decade, I can still say that what I have below is my theme song. It doesn’t matter which way you cut it or where I am in my life – this song still applies.

In terms of my most influential song, in respect of lyrics, and do not laugh because it is a chick band, they still rule (Girl Power ftw!!). It is My Ruin – Terror. I’ll save you the trouble of having to google or youtube search it, simply because the youtube music video is just siff and does no justice to the song whatsoever. So here are the lyrics and the song.

My Ruin - Terror. Album - Speak and Destroy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_GVrQQnvXQ
(Lyrics at 4:44 should be "Own" not Only)

Lyrics:
Terror

This is what you call me...

I strike terror among men.
I can't be bothered by what they think.
I bare my cross,
My soul,
Myself.
I forgive,
but i never forget.
I've been put upon this earth in female form.
But I can handle myself with the best of you,
As well as the worst.
And I often have.
I have the right to remain silent,
But i choose to speak,
Sing,
Scream
I am lips,
Hips,
Tits
I am the power of a woman,
Strong like music,
True like friendship,
But without my friends,
There would be no music.
Only spoken word.

I am able to change,
So I live without regret,
Without remorse,
Only a remix.
I am drunk,
I am sober.
Heaven doesn't want me
And Hell's afraid i'll take over
Don't bother trying to censor me,
Or shut me up,
Because it won't work.
I am cold and distant,
Yet warm and close,
To those who deserve to see that side of me.
Part of me the heart of me.
You find me so hard to understand in your world.
The world you perceive to be so normal.
I am deformed,
Scorned ,
Reborn.
I am me,
And i know exactly who i am,
What i am
And the wrath i bring.
The ugly beauty,
The lying truth,
The virgin whore
The quiet storm
A lover,
A fighter,
A saint,
A sinner,
A sister,
A daughter
Old school.
A beginner.
I have decorated myself with love,
Hate,
Truth,
You.
All of you,
Both of you,
None of you,
More than one of you

With lips like sugar.
Eyes like meat.
I've watched men come,
And go,
And cheat.
I sleep to dream
And dream of sleep.
I had a dream joe
That you were standing in the middle of an open grove.
I had a dream joe
That your hands were raised up to the sky
And your mouth was covered in foam.
I've been crucified,
Justified,
And mortified by my behavior.
Both feminine,
And masculine.
I am a contradiction,
And juxtaposition.
My relief is my release,
And only time will tell.
All's well that ends well
I am unsweetened,
Unclean,
Been called drama queen.
Ex girlfriend,
Ex member,
The tantrum,
The temper.
I point my finger,
Take the blame.
And this time I will own the name.
Because no one is going to ruin me.
If i have to,
I will ruin myself.
And it will be 'My Ruin'(My Ruin)


If you read the lyrics of Terror carefully, doesn’t it just remind you of the movie V for Vendetta when Evey has sent off the train and the Detective asks who V was and she replies: “He was Edmund Dantes… and he was my father and my mother…my brother and my friend. He was you and he was me. He was all of us.” I think that sometimes that is the best explanation of an idea or even the human soul. It is that we are capable of anything and we are capable of being anything that you should choose to be.

I really believe that people sell themselves short simply because they label themselves or their personality. What is stopping you from being everything? There are times when I dress up to the 9’s and 10’s, wear evening gowns, highheels and form philosophical and intellectual conversation with the best of society and then there are the times where I go out in a vest, jeans, and trainers and will mosh my little heart out to heavy metal in a dark and dingy nightclub. These are all facets of my personality, they do not define me, but together they make me, me.

So now, here is a thought… What makes you, You?

Everything Happens for a Reason

Kindly note this is a continuation of The Unconventional Rebel

It remains unseen as to whether my Mr Petal knows just how much feelings I have for him or how far they extend, to be brutally honest – I don’t think I do either. But when it comes down to it, I refer you to Number 2 answer of Option A mentioned in "For your educational purposes – Part 1”
If someone wants to be with you, they will.

Noting quite obviously that I will never actually have this discussion with him on the basis that it is wholly unnecessary, firstly, because he is reading this blog (Weird right?!?!?!?). I know him probably better than he knows himself, I know his answer and his reasons or at the very least I think I do and the only thing that enduring this conversation would actually provide for, is his genuine pity.

When I say pity, I don’t mean pity in a bad way – I just mean that he will feel sorry for me for not being able to give me what I want and hurting me. No one ever really wants to hurt their friends or people they care for, sometimes, it just happens. I know this because I have been through it, I have been on the opposite side of the river. You know what though, I just don’t want it. I don’t want pity. It is not going to do any good for either of us and it is not going to make me feel better. What I know is this, I am not going to spend my life pining for him and feeling sorry for myself that he never “chose” me when I have my entire life to live and be happy. Whether the future includes us staying friends or not will depend on how strong I am and how much I am willing to sacrifice.

What I want you to consider is the expression "wearing the shoe on the other foot". They cannot control their feelings anymore than we can control ours. They cannot force themselves to love you or like you, and would you really want it? Would you ever want to be in a relationship knowing that they don’t really love you, that they are in it “just because” or just because they are afraid to hurt you? I know I wouldn’t.

I recognize that a lot of you reading this, have been exactly where I am right now and my heart goes out to you. If I have been the one to hurt you, then I am sorry too, my intention is never to hurt anyone.

Unfortunately I feel it entirely necessary to enter a proviso here due to recent events in my life. I feel less than zero remorse if I hurt you because you were being a crazy mofo stalker. It is completely unacceptable human behaviour and although you think it was “love” and you were hurt by rejection, your actions really just wanted to make me get a restraining order and quite possibly a tazer. Realize the boundaries of acceptable human behaviour and interaction and deal with your feelings like an adult. Go to a bar or therapy or both. Do not stalk, harass or try and intervene the moving on of their life because you are incapable of moving on with your own. The only person you are hurting, is yourself and at the end of the day the only thing you are doing is scaring them and forcing them into a position where they have no option but to act negatively to your actions. If you try make the best of a situation, despite being hurt, you’ll actually find that you can still be happy and you won’t hate the other person for the hurt you are suffering. But if you make things ugly then of course things are going to get ugly. Negative breeds negative and positive breeds positive. Carry on with life, keep close to the friends who matter, continue doing things you love or find new things to love, you’ll realize that life is never that bad and you can always overcome any situation, no matter how “strong” or “weak” you think you are.

Now we are coming to the end of this and it seems pretty bleak and emo by the decision I have made. Yes it is possible that he will wake up and smell the roses and be like “holy mother of God, what the fuck have I been doing and thinking, I cannot live without this woman” and sweep me off my feet (it is a nice thought, isn’t it?) and it is also possible that he won’t. Whatever happens will happen and either which way I will be happy. You know why (and this is a philosophy I live by): Everything… Every single little thing that happens in your life, happens for a reason. It makes you, you and without you, who would I or anyone else be. We are shaped by the people we meet, the experiences we go through and the decisions we make. Bear with me now because there will always be the Nature vs. Nurture argument and you will always believe what you believe. All I am saying is that I have been through enough to know that everything happens for a reason. And you know what… I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The Unconventional Rebel

Kindly note that this is a continuation of "For your educational purposes Part 2"

I, however, am an unconventional rebel. Because when do I ever do anything the easy way, I mean come on – where is the fun in that?

So what did I do exactly? I did nothing. I just chose to ignore the problem, when it comes down to it, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Hey now, don’t judge, I liked things how they were. The problem was, how long would they stay that way. So pretty much ignore ignore ignore and then one day – you guessed it – I cracked. No, not in the conventional way either. Okay guys, I know what you are thinking, but no I did not Rufey him and lock him up in my cage (although it did cross my mind).


Instead I decided to have a “few” drinks with him. Well that ended swimmingly. To be fair though, I did not fall out of a car this time (Kudo’s to me). Instead I decided to completely and utterly freak out at him, you know, because that always works... Incase you couldn’t figure out what that dripping sound was – that is the sound of sarcasm dripping from my voice.


Incase you have not yet figured it out, ignoring the problem, does not make it go away nor does it make anything easier. In fact, it usually just makes things worse. You build it up to a point where something has gotta give and usually it's you. When is too far, too far? How much are you willing to take and how much are you willing to let it destroy you. Sometimes, it's less painful to rip the band aid off faster than to do it inch by inch so to speak. The thing that I have discovered most, is that people just let it continue, they let the fallacy continue so that the hope can continue. But ask yourself this, how much of your life are you giving up every single day, hoping, when you could be out there making real life shit happen. Yes, knowing the answer is scary, giving up is scary, being and feeling hurt is scary, but if you live your life in constant fear, the only person you are destroying is yourself, and your life will become stagnant because you let fear control you and your every action.


In respect of my situation, clearly I had issues with what was going on, my conscious brain just did not want to admit it. I did not want to admit it. I thought I had it under control, I thought I had myself under control and I thought I had the situation under control. But hey no worries, because drunk Jess had noooooooo problem letting all her issues out and at the end of the day I think it was best because although I don’t remember much about what I said, I do remember how I said it and how I felt when I said it. And if that's how I felt, then it was not worth it. It is not often that I get angry or feel utter despair, but this had gone far beyond what I ever imagined I could feel at this point in my life. I never believed that that is how I felt about the situation. I just kept stuffing my emotions down, kept making excuses for myself, making excuses about his behaviour, making excuses about everything.


It was at this point that I literally had to stop and take a good look at myself, at him, the situation and decide if I wanted to carry on this road. How much was I willing to destroy just because I didn’t want to let go? How much of myself? How much of our friendship? So after not very much deliberation and definitely after feeling like an idiot, I decided to call it quits.




Next Issue: “Everything happens for a reason”

For your Educational Purposes – Part 2 – The Friend Question

Kindly note that this is a continuation of For your Educational Purposes – Part 1

The friend question. Yup, I said it. I can feel you shuddering from here. 9 out of 10 of you and especially you women (No, I am not stereotyping – our gender are just genetically stupid when it comes to this part). “Let’s still be friends” I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear your muffled cries through the chloroformed rag. Haha, just joking… *cough* ahem, anyway…

Seriously though for most of you, I do not suggest this course of action. I don’t mean this in a demeaning way, I mean it in a “statistically speaking, the only person who is going to get hurt, is you” kind of way. Most people and I am speaking generally, have the inability to separate their emotions or feelings from themselves. When you like or love someone and you want to be friends with them – this is kind of what you need to be able to do.

I would even say controlling your feelings or emotions would suffice but it almost never does, simply because that person that you are in love with or that you like or love is not going to stop living their lives because they might hurt you just because you might see or hear about something that you don’t like.



The reality is this:-

They ask or you ask the friend question. You hang out together. They start seeing someone else. You watch them do and say things to other people that you wish they’d do or say to you. I legitimately and honestly cannot think of a worse form of torture. Although to be fair – pulling nails ranks pretty high.

So like I said, if you cannot do the emotional separation thing then I don’t suggest it. But hey, who am I to say what you should or shouldn’t do, I’m okay with you learning the hard way.



Option B is generally for people who don’t know how to cope with themselves, their emotions or their lives and if you’re lucky enough to be able to afford to do it then you should stop reading this and go do it! I recommend this option for those who are trying to “find themselves” before making any other informed or misinformed decisions about their life. You people know who you are.



And finally we come to Option C – The Duke Nukem Option. In the entirety of my life, I have never, ever seen this option work. Ever. And I have seen a lot. I could go into the massively gruesome details of this option but ultimately one person is always more stubborn than the other. And when it comes down to it, no one likes to be told what to do and that is pretty much what you’re forcing.

On principle, if someone does this to me. My response is this: Go fuck yourself.



So those are generally your options and the results that follow.

Here endeth the lesson.



Stay tuned for the next post “The Unconventional Rebel”

For Your Educational Purposes - Part 1

Kindly note that this is a Continuation of "The Decision"

Should you choose Option A.
Well done, you have, in most circumstances, chosen the most adult/mature option. This, however, is entirely separate and different to what you choose to say when you have this conversation. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you don't actually plan to think before you speak. I mean, how bad could it get right? (Just by the way, I am laughing hysterically in the background, with snorts and everything) Oh you have Nooooo Idea.

Okay okay I'll calm down. In essence, if you follow this option, it can only go one of two ways.
1. They have feelings for you, in which case kindly revert to any fairy tale that ends in happily ever after.

2. They don't have feelings for you or the same amount of feelings or they don't want to commit or not now. These are just different ways of saying "No". In fact, there is a non-exhaustive list of reasons, sentences or words, but at the end of the day, if it's not an emphatic "yes". It means No.

At this point, this is where your denial kicks in. No, not the river in Egypt (see what I did there - that was just for you Nic). So no, not the river, I mean the real thing. You say to yourself "maybe", "maybe it's just me", "maybe if I change", "maybe it's because they are stressed and going through a rough time, they're just not ready for commitment". Maybe... You should stop kidding yourself. Now you may think this is harsh, and you are probably right, but it doesn't make it any less true. The sooner you stop kidding yourself, the sooner you will be able to deal with it and the sooner you will be able to move on. You know, just like I know that if you like someone and want to be with them, NOTHING will stop you and when I say nothing, I even mean the plague's in the old Testament. If you are unsure as to what I am referring to, you can educate yourself with - The Bible

Or alternatively, if that seems like a lot of effort and you want to sloth it, you can watch the semi-religious thriller "The Reaping" - which by the way if you haven't seen, you really should.

So once again, if someone doesn't emphatically say yes to you. It means no.

But never fear... because I have more bad news or good news, actually it depends which way you look at it. As in the optimistic way “oh look the glass is half full”, the pessimistic way “oh look, the glass is half empty”, my way “oh look, there’s room for vodka”. Vodka fixes everything – okay wait, I am getting ahead of myself or I could be excited for the vodka, or it could be the Monster I just drank… wait what.

And continuing on point, if your man or woman-ho says no or some other variation as discussed above. At least you know the answer – kudo’s for being brave enough to ask. This, however, is where the tricky part comes in. To ask or not to ask… The Friend Question.

Stay tuned for "Your educational purposes - Part 2"

The Decision

Kindly note that this is a Continuation of "Consequences of the Epiphany"

Yes, that awkward decision. The decision to:

A) Broach the subject of these feelings. Ie. Your non-exclusive man or woman-ho, whatever you like to call them. For the purposes of this blog, I shall name mine, Petal (for those of you having a chuckle, its better than Krull okay? And for those of you who understood that reference – well done!!)

B) Cut ties, quit your job, sell everything you own, leave the country and become a janitor in Indonesia. (This apparently is a legitimate option according to someone I know)

C) The Ultimatum. Otherwise known as the “Duke Nukem”
When you do this, you better be ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum or have a box of tissues handy. If you are a guy, Duke Nukem rules apply in which case ignore the part about tissues, go to your nearest strip club, hand out money to strippers and say “Do you wana dance?”

So before I go onto what I actually did, these are what I think are the possible results of the aforementioned… For your educational purposes of course.

Buuut you’ll have to wait til next week to read them in “For your educational purposes”.

The consequences of the Epiphany

Kindly note that this is a Continuation of "Feelings... What are those again?"

So if you haven’t been in this position yet, just be glad. If you are going through this now I suggest you go to your nearest bar and make friends with the bartender, the manager and the owner because you are going to be there a lot in the near future. Alternatively, read this fun article on how to get amazingly drunk in a nerd fashion…. (you can thank me later)

http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/cole-fm/nerdiest-way-get-drunk?fb_ref=recbar

If you have been through this before just like I have – then you know what is coming next. *Insert melodramatic “JAWS” music here or the Sound of Music soundtrack* – you know, whatever floats your boat – who am I to judge.

Actually, I’m judging you right now...  

 

So for those of you who have been as unfortunate as I have been in the past. You guys know what is coming next…

The Decision.

See my next post for “The Decision”

Feelings... What are those again?

Kindly note that this is a Continuation of "Stuck in a Rut"

I know right. The ice queen having feelings… It's okay to laugh, I even laughed when I realized this. I swear when I think about it I have to choke down my own gag reflex. Feelings. *Vomit*

So for someone like me to have feelings for someone else. Fuck. Yeah, that pretty much what I said in my head but with the emphasis of a 3 kiloton nuclear bomb. I’m pretty sure the walls around me reverberated by that mind blow and I’m relatively sure that if I were around any rocks they would have started to bleed.

So how did this “feelings” thing happen? Okay, you may want to sit down for this.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in a land far far away. There too was a handsome prince and purely haphazardly (but only in the way fate can) they were brought together – their eyes meeting and true love’s spark created, they fell in love, got married and lived happily ever after… and then… wait… what the fuck was I talking about earlier? I got side tracked by the bullshit they spoonfeed us with as children about love and life. And then people wonder why I gag when people talk about love.

Okay, okay, I digress. So lets just say that our eyes didn’t meet due to fate and there was no true love sparkle. But finding someone who had the mental capacity to speak to me about anything that was not limited to the weather, cars or sports was actually pretty rad. Secondly, he was fun and hey if you know me, I am all about the fun. Except for those awkward moments of a lethal mix of black label and tequila whereby I become more emo than T’s hairstyle. (Sorry T, still love you!!). Aaaand last but not least, the weird factor. We were somewhat compatibly weird, and I bet you are like “Well how is that an entire factor?” Have you been around a normal person? It’s just plain creepy. *shudder*

So mix those three things together plus an extra little nice kink here and there and BOOM! No people, get your damn minds out the gutter, I did NOT say kinky. Yeah you people know who you are *pulls “The Rock” eyebrow lift*

Add reciprocated affection and well, that my dear readers is when those nasty little “emotional feeling” things start to happen. Like when spooning in bed they nuzzle your neck and kiss your ear and you get a little knot in your stomach because you can’t help but smile and snuggle in closer. And you know what I mean and you know that feeling. Don’t lie to me or to yourself…

Ok, so a few other things happened too but I am sure you guys see where I am going with this or you should otherwise you are as thick as pig shit and should stop reading. Or you are a virgin, in which case, go and get laid please – you are not helping yourself or anyone by being a virgin (unless you’re aiming for the whole sacrificial virgin thing then never mind, by all means, continue) Should the sacrificial virgin thing apply to you, please consult with Supernatural: Season 3, Episode 12 and Season 6, Episode 12 for examples of virginal sacrifices.

So when you feel this feeling and you are not in what some people I know like to call an “exclusive” relationship (Let’s be clear about this now, this is an entire topic all on its own which I will not delve into right now). So when you are in said relationship and you know you will never be in an exclusive relationship with that person for many reasons (And noooooo, I am not going to go into that either because I could write an entire book about it and its none of your damn business) so you can:

a)      make up your own reasons

b)      just ignore that part and bear with me that there are in fact legitimate reasons – besides us both being idiots.

Well, you can guess what happens when this epiphany occurs. You know that 3 kiloton nuclear bomb I mentioned earlier. Yeah, pretty much that...

So stay tuned for

 “The consequences of the Epiphany”.

Stuck in a Rut

This is how I felt. I had come to the conclusion that my life, my emotions and my mind were stuck in a rut. I had hit that point in my life and adulthood whereby every day is the same. The pure unadulterated monotony of going through the motions. I had done everything I could possibly do to effect change and yet no change had been forthcoming. And people… Drama and stalkers do not count!! Just saying…

I’ve proceeded with normality and done what should have been done. I did the good little girl thing and played by the rules, and did so with the best of intentions. Where did I end up? With no result, or a result just as undesirable as no result and sometimes you have to wonder which is worse.

They say that the definition of insanity is repeating one’s action expecting a different result. So I changed my game plan. The inability to say no to others – thereby forcing myself into every possible opportunity available. I’m pretty sure you have seen the movie “Yes Man”, well, it was a game plan similar to that. And for a moment, I got pretty close to something I wanted. And just like that *insert click of the fingers* that door was slammed in my face and I was back to ground zero.

Okay, fine. I can deal with that, and I did. Change of game plan. New Game Plan: Focus on what you love and the people around you who matter. Done. You know how this ended. Like shit. I never met anyone new and hanging around those I cared about, gave the males the inclination to believe that they could get into my pants. But worst of all, I developed feelings for a friend. Sorry ladies, it was a male friend…

Seriously, I know right, Karma is quite a vindictive little bitch and I felt this one. But like I have always said, feelings aren’t really something you can control. For awhile it worked – it was almost reciprocal. Aaaaand then enter mindfuck, because that is literally what happened, my mind got fucked. And to a point, my own demented idiocy helped me out – which I suppose is a good thing, but we’ll come to that.

Stay tuned for my next issue “Feelings”

Welcome to my world

Well howdy there… Welcome to the beginning of what is supposed to be my blog. As most of you know, I love to write… not just love it, I luuuurv it, kinda how Barry Manilow sings love songs. All intimate and sexy like. No I do not hump my pages. Okay well, only sometimes, at night when the curtains are closed. Ink just gets everywhere. *sad face*

I have in the past been quite reluctant to write anything like a blog, simply because you all might just die from reading the sheer awesomeness that is my writing. Okay, fine, that is a subtle exaggeration of the truth, but in all honesty it has more to do with commitment issues. Me? Have commitment issues? Who knew…

However, sitting at court one day waiting during the monotony that is the calling of the motion court roll, I managed to write 8 pages followed by another 3 pages during my lunch break. So I figured that I had enough material to start something that could at least get you guys enticed without having to worry too much about being forced to write and provide you with non-stop awesomeness. I’m too kind right.

For those of you who have been fortunate to read anything I’ve written in the past. This is not quite like that. Usually I write very emotive pieces and normally about subconscious issues. The reason for this, is because I write Free-hand. If you don’t know what that is, you should look it up and possibly try it. You will discover just how many issues you have and haven’t resolved. Although you should possibly save up before doing this, you may need therapy.

Furthermore, this blog is to give not only insight into my own mind, feelings and situations but to persons and situations in general and hopefully add a little bit of comedy to it. In it I hope to make references to interesting people, quotes, place, books, computer games, t.v. programmes, movies and other pop-culture and alternative references that will hopefully educate your savage mind. Yes people, there is actually interesting shit out there that you should and would want to know about if you got off your ass…

I’m sorry to say, that you if you don’t like my humour or my language. Then that is entirely your problem. At this stage, it is only fair to warn you that I say things how I see them. You may or may not agree with that. That, is still your problem, and you can choose to not read this should you wish. If you would like to leave nasty comments, then you clearly weren’t raised correctly because your mama should have told you “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”. With that, I come to the language issue. I swear, I swear a lot. Not because I am uneducated or that I have a poor vocabulary, but purely because I feel like it. It gets my point across, and if you want an education on the diversity of the word “Fuck”, please watch the movie “The Boondock Saints”. If you don’t like foul language, that is still not my problem and you should stop reading this because it is only down hill from here.

Also, as much as I am highly knowledgeable and resourceful, should you choose to follow or do any of the things I suggest in my blog and you suffer dire consequences. That is also your problem. This blog is merely here to offer educational insight, it is not a guide to fuck up your life and I will not be held responsible for your idiocy.

With that being said, I hope you enjoy J Should, for any reason you wish me to blog about a certain topic or place or anything for that matter. Please do not hesitate to contact me about a request and I will endeavor to formulate a topic in that respect. Happy reading J